the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
