your room smells of hookers.
And success
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
