Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Randomize
