i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
