Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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