I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
