i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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