Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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