dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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