Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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