The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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