Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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