That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize