I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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