so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I only lived at night.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
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