I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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