apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just want to make out with him forever
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
