if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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