that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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