i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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