Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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