so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
