Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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