So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
