This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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