my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
