How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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