Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
