a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
