i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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