Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Never joke about your clitoris.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
