I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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