Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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