...so i touched it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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