I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
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She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
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I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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