i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
