FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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