If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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