Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
