I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
