I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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