My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
A+ Viking dick
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
