This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
