A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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