In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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