Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
