i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
