I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
