She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
