Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
