someone get that fucking seahorse.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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