would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
