You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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