He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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