how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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