I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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