checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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