If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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